Where Could She Be?

words & music by Doug Howell (Apr 1982)

if I’m meant to live my life alone
I know you’ll give me the strength to be on my own
knowing I’m your own is enough for me
but if there should be something more to your plan
than I can see from where I stand
and if there should be one special hand to hold
please tell me

where is the woman you meant for me
to cling to and sing to
where is the girl who could make my life more complete in you
if it’s true that there’s someone waiting for me
where could she be

you’re the one who said
it is not good for man to be alone
and I agree
so do you have an Eve for a lonely boy
there’s so much joy in being close to you
you know I don’t want that to change
but if it’s true that three can be as close as two
if it’s true, then

where is the woman you meant for me
to cling to and sing to
where is the girl who could make my life more complete in you
if it’s true that there’s someone waiting for me
where could she be

in conclusion, Lord, what should I say
I don’t think you want me to play in this masquerade
you just want me to pray and leave the rest to you
expect the best from you
I’ve grown so sick of dating games
the faces and numbers and names
I just want somebody who’ll feel the same
about you

where is the woman you meant for me
to cling to and sing to
where is the girl who could make my life more complete in you
if it’s true that there’s someone waiting for me
where could she be

℗ © 1986 Dweller by the Light Stream Music, assigned to Creative Measures (ASCAP)

2011 Notes

Man, what can I say about this one? I guess at its simplest, I was just saying to the Lord, “If you want me to live alone, I know you’ll give me the grace; if you want me to get married, you’ll give me the grace then, too.” As you can pick up from the lyrics, at this point I by no means had any assurance that I would ever marry. Though I certainly seemed to have many opportunities to marry, I just as certainly did not want to involve another person in my own confusion, or pretend to the sorts of actions that should come from the heart. I had seen what happened when people took that course, and I did not feel it was right. So I prayed and studied and waited. I prayed and waited a very long time, in fact. A good five years after this song was written, I was still praying and waiting, but by then, some big changes were in the air. (For more on that, see my notes on “Lightning in a Bottle.”)

I think this song was my attempt to give Mary’s faithful answer to God, responding with the information available to me at the time. If God wanted me to spend my life in partnership with a woman, He could bring that about, all evidence to the contrary. The evidence was very contrary, of course, as I had no trouble at all falling in love with men, while women could never seem to go a step beyond dear friendship, psychotherapy, 12-steps, or no. But one thing I knew: whatever the answer turned out to be, I couldn’t live without Him. That much was certain.