There’s a Difference (in the Way I Feel Today)

words & music by Doug Howell (3 Mar 1974)

there’s a difference in the way I feel today
it’s not that I don’t know that you don’t love me like before
but it just doesn’t hurt me like it used to anymore
there’s a difference in the way I feel today

I can see the love light fading from your eyes
and though your love for me has died
my love for you has grown
I can tell you may soon be gone
but I won’t be alone
I can see the love light fading from your eyes

Jesus is the first love of my life
I know He’ll do what’s best for me although it may seem wrong
and when your precious love is gone
He’ll still give me a song
Jesus is the first love of my life
Yes, Jesus is the first love of my life

1977 Notes

I was losing the love of a friend who was very precious to me. I was depressed much of the time, and many times I prayed the “why?” prayer to God, and then proceeded to continue moping and sulking and feeling sorry for myself. All during this time, if someone had asked me if Jesus was first in my life, I would have answered “yes” without even thinking. But after a few weeks of this pitiful behavior I began to realize that although I might be saying “Jesus is first” with my mouth, my very actions and feelings were saying just the opposite. I had convinced myself I couldn’t be happy unless this friend responded to me in such and such a manner, just as I wished. I was letting this expectation control my life instead of trusting my Lord to supply my needs—even the need for love. That day I gave Him His rightful place again. And the next time I saw my friend, it still hurt not to see the love in those precious eyes, but the hurt was overshadowed by a far greater love.

Revelation 2:4

2006 Notes

I look back now and wonder how I could have let that loss rule my life for so long. But that’s just it, isn’t it? It’s easy to let something (or someone) go when it doesn’t mean the world to you. When it does… Well, that’s a different story.

And I think I was a bit harsh on myself, too. (Not too surprising.) If the feelings didn’t rush in and create havoc like that, right when you need clarity and calm, we wouldn’t be quite human, would we? But we are. And that shouldn’t embarrass us. After all, that’s just what God wants us to be. He wants people that can somehow see Him in the midst of all that crazy humanness. What a challenge!