Hard To Get

words & music by Rich Mullins • © Curb Word Music/Liturgy Legacy

You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened in the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here
Where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask the daily bread
Did You forget about us
After You had flown away?
Well, I memorized every word You said
Still I’m so scared, I’m holding my breath
While You’re out there just
playing hard to get

You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that’s not as patient as Yours was
But still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness?
Did You ever know need?
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You are barely holdin’ on
And Your friends fall asleep
and don’t see the blood that’s runnin’ in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You’re up there just
playin’ hard to get?

And I know You bore our sorrows
And I know You feel our pain
And I know that it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I have figured this all out
What I really need to know is if

You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time?
We can’t see what’s ahead
and we cannot get free from what we’ve left behind
I’m reeling from these voices that keep screamin’ in my ear
All these words of shame and doubt,
blame and regret
I can’t see how You’re leading me
Unless You’ve led me here
To where I’m lost enough to let myself be led…
And so You have been here all along, I guess…
It’s just Your ways
And You are just plain hard to get

Reviews

You who live in eternity hear the prayers of those of us who live in time… ❤️ —Will S.

Dang Doug Howell Music ❤️‍ ….speechless. —Ron B.-G.

I’ve been listening on repeat. So beautiful and the delivery just unlocks the song. Thank you! —Jonathan P.

Thanks Doug… never heard of Mullins, but also being of similar age and background, going to research him and his music, too… —Brad B.

I really enjoy the layers here…and your voice, as always! —Jackie K. M.

A moving song by an amazing musician! Thank you for your music and witness. —Greg S.

Thanks for taking that deep dive, for being yourself, and for lending your heartfelt singing/playing to Rich’s poetry/song. You’re one of the good guys, Doug!! —Randy C.

Thanks Rich and thank you Doug for the honor of playing with you on such a beautiful song. —Dan L.

Thanks for sharing, Doug, a beautiful, yet haunting song… —Rebecca D.

Rich was a deep thinker… I’m glad you’re a deep singer… Thanks, Doug!! —Randy C.

The pencil drawing is awesome and as always the music is wonderful . . —Joy R. B.

Oh my gosh, the song is beautifully written, and you have done a magnificent job bringing it to light!! You may have had less notoriety than Rich, but you were loved every bit as much! The similarities in your journeys on earth is striking. I can see how you would be fascinated with his story and writings. It’s certain that God led you on that journey in order to share this song with us. And by the way, Dan has shared this song with many people, and I keep hearing, “He still has his chops! He sounds like a 25 year old singing.” !!! Just thought I’d share that with you! —Dina H. L.

Wow! This is beautifully done. And the sentiment…❤️
—MaryEllen O.

The music is lovely and your background of it is worth every word. Thank you!
—Tim P.

Really nice — I can see why this appeals to you and it’s perfect for your voice. And yes — he is a poet for sure. “…to where I’m lost enough to let myself be led.” I think you’ll be friends in heaven for sure! —Katie C.

…artful, wonderful song.  Anyone who paints their inner life for others to see feels the uncertainty of this exposure.  You do.  I certainly do.  And of course Mr. Mullins as well.  His song, your interpretation of it reminds me of my road through this wilderness of a world.  Like Rilke poems, Helprin’s short stories…now this song…help shed some light on our way through… Thank you Doug.  Thank you Rich… —D. B.

2023 Notes

Hauʻoli Makahiki Hou! To start out 2023, I decided to return to my Influencers series, but this time, the influencer is a very recent one—even though he left this earth 25 years ago…

I became quite disenchanted with the contemporary Christian music (CCM) business during my itinerant musician days, so I sort of lost track of what was going on and who was doing what. During the time I was “checked out,” Rich Mullins became one of the best-known Christian singer-songwriters in the country—in fact, he helped define the whole genre. Well, because of the flurry of recent articles on the 25th anniversary of his death, I’ve finally gotten acquainted with him. And it kinda freaked me out how much I could relate to his life story.

He was born in 1955. I was born in 1952. He grew up on a farm. So did I. His farm was in mid-Indiana. Mine was in mid-Michigan. His family was part of a strict, conservative denomination. Mine too. He started playing piano and playing for church services at an early age. Me too. He had a lot of trouble fitting in with farm life and relating to his father. Me too.

He became a Jesus music singer-songwriter, singing with groups and then solo, traveling and giving concerts all over. Me too (albeit with a few hundred levels less notoriety!). He had a lot of trouble with the business part of CCM. Me too. He had arguments with his producers. Me too. He spent time in Wichita, Kansas, and studied at Friends University. Me too (I studied with one of their piano profs and gave a couple of concerts there)…

He had a lot of inner struggles. Yeah. Me too. And even though he was best known for his praise songs, he wrote many songs reflecting his struggles. Same with me.

I started wondering if he might have even attended a concert or two of mine when I was with the Good News Circle. We did sing in Richmond, Indiana, more than once, and in many other spots around Indiana and Ohio.

So I read quite a few articles, investigated the Kids of St. Frank (the sort of informal religious order he founded) website and even contacted a few of the people who wrote about him and his influence on their lives. As you can probably tell, I got a little obsessed by this whole investigation for a few days. And as part of that, I determined to get to know more of his music, which I had mostly missed, and which seemed to mean so much to so many.

I tried an Apple Music playlist first. The only songs I recognized were “Sing to the Lord,” and of course, “Awesome God,” because we often sang it (just the chorus) in church as an opening song of praise. But it was the other songs that really caught my attention. The lyrics were so very real, so very deep.

After reading more about his later life, I decided to listen to his very last album, which existed only in “demo” form, as it was just a lo-fi recording of vocals, guitar and a few other instruments to demo the songs for a planned later recording. I got as far as the first song, “Hard To Get,” and was totally stopped in my tracks. Literally. I was on my usual walk along the cliffs, and it stopped me in my tracks. I was stunned—by the exquisite loneliness of the lyrics, by the utter vulnerability and longing it expressed. I could easily picture him there, singing, alone, in that empty church.

And then he sang “do you remember just how long a night can get? / when you are barely holdin’ on / and your friends fall asleep / and don’t see the blood that’s runnin’ in your sweat…”

I knew he was singing of the Lord, obviously, but the words had such an immediate, visceral feel, like he was singing about his own long night of the soul—one that hadn’t been a unique occurrence. And my mind rewound immediately to a church basement on a road trip long ago where a few of us from the band had been put up for the night. I listened to my friends sleep while I felt my soul slowly tear away from my body and fall backward into darkness… It was the night I wrote “Jesus Never Fails,” a song thatʻs pretty much a plea for help, a desperate clinging to faith, and a prayer for survival.

I played “Hard To Get” over and over and soon started thinking: I just have to do this song. This is my kind of song. I feel like I could have written it (if I was a better poet). It’s a psalm, a modern-day psalm, a summation of the human condition. It is a needy human being coming to God with nothing but questions. It is a humble cry from a lost soul.

So… All that background to say: here’s my take on the song. It has really captured my imagination (can you tell?), and I was waking up at night as I was learning it, going over the lyrics again and again, praying them until I could go back to sleep: the lone cry of a weary pilgrim doing his best to live honestly before God. I hope it will grow to mean to you even a small part of what it’s meant to me.

I hope you like it, too, Rich, and I’m looking forward to meeting you some day. I think we might have a lot to talk about. I think we would be friends. I think you would challenge me in person, as you already have through your art. Thank you for the gifts of your life and your music. They were both God’s and you did what he asked: you shared them with us.

Music Notes

I tried to do a piano part reminiscent of Rich’s guitar on this, and also got hold of a Mountain Dulcimer sample library to add in some folk flavor (he’s known for playing it). Also added accordion, and some harp and celeste touches. Some light drums and bass to drive it and tie things together a bit. Thought it might be done then, but I had a nagging feeling that maybe there was a missing electric guitar part waiting to be found… So even though I knew this was Dan’s busiest time of the year (he’s a master jeweler and it was Christmastime—duh!), I sent him what I had so far and asked what he thought. Thankfully, he loved the song and agreed to try something. What he sent me back was exactly what it needed, as usual. Thank you, my bestest guitar buddy, for contributing your talents to help deepen the sound and message of this song.

A few years back, my dear friend, Kathryn Mays, a talented artist, drew a picture of me for my birthday. I was having trouble figuring out what art to use for this song, and recently I was cleaning my studio, and when my eyes landed on Kathy’s drawing, I thought, that’s it! It just seemed right. Being a drawing it seemed raw and transitory, like something that could easily be erased. Like life… I asked her if I could use it for this song, and she said yes. It’s an honor having her art on this piece. Thanks, Kathy!