I Wanted To Stay

words & music by Doug Howell • © 2021 Creative Measures LLC

I saw you sideways
In the morning light
And watched a smile spread slowly
From the left to the right
The horses stirring
Anxious for the dawn
Like all the dreams
My hopes were riding on

I held you sideways
In the sleepy glow
And begged you not to let me leave
Why did you let me go?
I didn’t plead in wild, impassioned words
I didn’t scrape or crawl
I didn’t speak, but still somehow
I said it all

And I wanted to stay
Beside those blue eyes
And I was tryin’ not to say
Those last goodbyes
But keep the world from turning
From spinning us apart
And holding to a moment
That could finish what I start
And fix a foolish heart

I stood there shiverin’
In my solitude
Hoping with what hope I’d find
Your heart was hoping too
But every time you opened up your eyes
You opened up a door
To a world I knew
I never would explore

And I wanted to stay
Beside those blue eyes
And I was tryin’ not to say
Those last goodbyes
But keep the world from turning
From spinning us apart
And holding to a moment
That could finish what I start
And fix a foolish heart

Reviews

You make me wish I could play the piano instead of playing at it. Love listening to your work. —Kurt S.

Love this! Thanks for sharing! —Barb D. O.

Beautiful! —Margene F-D.

so beautiful! I love your writing and your voice!!! ❤️ —Bobbie S. C.

This is so raw and beautiful lmaooo —Rebecca N.

Every writer tries to find “that thing” that gives continuity to their work.  You have this in spades… As always, tis lovely and filled with insightful sincerity, rich with harmony and a vulnerability that is a rare bird in this mean ol’ world that we live in. —David B.

2021 Notes

This song was originally inspired by a particular circumstance but really encapsulates a larger experience—in this case, the whole “love-em-n-leave-em” aspect of life on the road. The beginnings were scribbled down a long time ago, but finished only recently. Neither the lyrics, nor the melody, nor the harmony of the original ever seemed quite right to me, so I’ve always had it in mind to give it another go.

It was a blessing to travel and sing about the love of God—along with my “cracked pot” life (“we hold this treasure in earthen vessels” 2 Cor 4:7)—back when I was troubadoring fulltime. I miss some aspects of it. But it was also an incredibly draining experience, at least for an INFJ (Myers-Briggs personality type) like me. You’d sing your heart out, you’d bare your soul, and then feel like a big wet dishrag when it was over.

And of course, wrapped up in all of that were my own struggles, too, my own search for meaning and love. But at each stop along the way, some would really hear, and love, and believe, and that made it all worthwhile. There were so many, many times I’d long to stay, to get to know these people, to love this person! Not just under the spotlight, but practically, day-by-day. But it was never to be. I always, always had to leave.

I’d often keep in touch with people by letter—no social media in those days, remember, although I do keep in touch with some that way now—and even though that could sometimes soften the shock of the constant leave-taking, I never knew where a friendship would lead. Would we correspond for years? Would we become close? Would I never see or hear from them again?

It all had to be crammed into one moment, and then let go. All the hopes, all the needs, all God wanted to show us—all in just a moment, and then gone—all but the memory and the song. All I could do was trust that prayers were answered, and that each song, each concert—and each relationship—would become whatever God had in mind for it to be.

Music Notes

Have been listening to a lot of Joni Mitchell lately, as her early albums have just been remastered and rereleased. Most of the tracks are very simple instrumentally speaking, just her inimitable voice, her free spirit, her poetry, and a piano, or guitar or dulcimer. and that was refreshing. So I decided to do this one simply, too.

The photo is from Shutterstock (as most of my song images are, when they’re not original). In case you don’t realize this, I have to find, purchase and upload an image with each song. That’s just one of the many additional creative and administrative things you always have to do before a song can be released these days. And it’s not easy, believe me! Anyway, I felt this one really captured the song lyric beautifully. David was telling me the other day that I should write a post about the whole process of choosing an image, so maybe I’ll do that one of these days…